What Kind of You?

Some time ago, I had a friend who shared a house with me on alternative days/weeks when I was in town and vice versa. On one of my trips in town that coincided with one of her trips out of town, I arrived to the house to find it a mess and all the food I’d left 10 days earlier either eaten, given away or tossed out.

I was a little low on cash, tired from traveling, and possessed little to no desire to go grocery shopping as soon as I got back. When I asked about the missing food and general ‘ugh’ of the house, I got a plate of evasive answers paired with a juicy slice of remorselessness washed down with a tall glass of ‘get over it…I already have’.

Several weeks later, this friend was headed back into town around the same time as I was headed out again. We chatted about a few things and, every so often, she made a hint about coming back to ‘a fresh clean house’ and said stuff like ‘I hope all my tuna is still in the cabinet…’.

The temptation was obvious of course: Leave the house trashed and make sure there’s NOTHING left but lint in the fridge and cupboards! That’ll learn her! But I had to take a step back and consider and realign. I took some time during some quiet moments in the day to meditate in and consult with my spirit.

Is that the kind of person I am or wanted to be – regardless of what kind of person she was? Did I want to be someone who played tit for tat? Did I want to create or amplify tension just because I was still a little mad and hadn’t yet found a way to communicate it to her? Did I want to live and lead by example (whether she followed or not) or be someone who was led by harsh emotions?

It’s easy to clap back (and hard!) when we feel wronged and it can certainly feel goooood for a while to know we’ve “won”. At the end of the day, though, people will come and go in your life but it is YOU who remains.

YOU.

Your values.

Your self-respect.

Your character.

Your self-control.

Your ability to love, forgive, and move on intact.

Your life.

YOU.

Ultimately, I bought the tuna, cleaned the kitchen, and swept the floors. LOL! My mama raised me – not her – and her mama raised her – not me. You gotta stay true to who you are no matter what influences float across your path. My grandmother used to say ‘people who know better, do better’. I know better.

I also started redefining, reinforcing, and vocalizing where my lines were with her going forward (“Umm…that’s not cool. I’m gonna need you to respect my things, I’ll respect yours, and we both can respect our shared space. How does that sound?”) and started a conversation that was probably long overdue. I’m happy to say we’re still friends.

So…some questions:

• How have you responded to situations like this in your own life?

• What tools or perspectives did you use to arrive at your response?

• Would you handle it the same way now as you did then?

• Why or why not?